By Your Side

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That night, Kiyoshi was wrapped in a gentle embrace under his lover. The faint headache from his overthinking barely noticeable. The past year was full of struggles. His quiet frustration had reached the limit. His behavior was poor. But like removing a rotten tooth, with proper tender care, the wound will close.

He had felt so isolated, so out-of-touch with his new reality. He had to, was expected to behave in a different manner from the previous place he had lived in. Slowly, silently, like a cat stalking his prey, the anxiety over every single social encounter he had caught up to him. He was irritable, neurotic. He felt like the protagonist of a horror movie. He was under the scrutiny of the public eye. An outsider in his own home.

Blaming his partner for that was the worst way to deal with his insecurities. He tried so hard to keep those thoughts at bay but his endurance eventually worn down. They had a nasty fight. He almost considered leaving the country once more.

Thankfully, his father was there for him. Kiyoshi could confide in him when his partner didn't. His mom eventually entered the conversation, and the question that was hanging in both of their heads popped up. His dad stared at his former wife in indignant shock. Kiyoshi didn't have to think about marriage if he didn't want to, but his mother's blunt and culturally-appropriate question hammered the nail in Kiyoshi's back to its place.

Hadn't he rejected his partner's marriage proposal because he wanted to find someone else? If his partner could move them both back to their home country for his well-being, why shouldn't he do the same? He wanted normal happiness. He wanted a family. His partner wasn't going to give him that. The man was too focused on healing his own wounds, deep ones, that Kiyoshi couldn't bring himself to ask for help when he desperately needed support.

Kiyoshi reassured his mother that he wanted the same thing he said years ago when she found out he was dating another boy. Suddenly, shame crept up his neck. That relationship that lasted for so long wasn't going to be his primary focus forever. His partner was bound to be second. Nevertheless, they loved each other as if there was never going to be someone else.

After the lights went off, squeezing into his father's couch, Kiyoshi felt as if he had truly, finally, become an adult. He had been afraid of it for so long like a monster under the bed. Who knew he was going to be prepared, even excited at the prospect?

His partner didn't take the news quietly. Not that Kiyoshi expected him to. Keima was a fighter, and Kiyoshi loved that part of him. They had already been nasty to each other, and both went into the conversation to well, talk things through.

Begrudgingly, Keima accepted Kiyoshi's choice. Kiyoshi reassured him he wasn't going to abandon him, that nothing was set in stone yet. He was nervous to date girls. Kiyoshi didn't know how... successful he was going to be about it.

Kiyoshi noticed his partner's arms tense, in that way that knows he was twisting his words. "Kei, no matter who I'm seeing, I'm still going to be myself. Even if I'm going to be looking for, um, a-um, so-someone else to date, it's more like a reason for me to go out and meet new people." His hands itched to hide his face from the embarrassment.

"Yeah, I get it." His light tone was promising. He seemed to be accepting it. "I'm sorry I said that you didn't have to come back with me to Japan. It was stupid of me. I know you love your friends from America." His throat bobbed. "...I was jealous."

"I forgive you," Kiyoshi murmured tenderly. His partner was going through a terrible period in his life.

At that point, Kiyoshi wholehearted believe of had equal responsibility for their current misfortune. He was feeling more energetic when they visited his parent's family for a meal and Kiyoshi found out that Keima hadn't properly told his mother that no ceremony between them was going to happen.

He almost had an aneurism. Keima's dumb "it'll all be all right" was the last thing he wanted to see. Kiyoshi shouldn't have been the one to have bore the old news. But Keima kept quiet. Kiyoshi could feel he was ashamed. He was as quiet as if the situation had nothing to do with him.

They were really mother and son, for they hated their expectations to fall through. She was entirely convinced that her son would get married soon and she had to hear from THE PERSON THAT REJECTED HIM that no... her son will be single for the rest of his life.

THEY. COULDN'T. EVEN. GET. MARRIED. IN. JAPAN! In what world was she even living in? Marriage licenses? That wasn't even the reason Kiyoshi refused. They were too personal to share.

The rest of the evening was so awkward. From having another argument with his partner to overhearing his partner face his partner about his current marital status, Kiyoshi's appetite was gone.

As they walked back home, Kiyoshi had to suppress his rage with mental gymnastics. He felt so wronged, even if Keima had already apologized.

He called out to his partner as they were about to go to bed, "You're sleeping in the sofa," his voice trembled.

"What? I thought we were f--"

"We are! I just-need to be alone. Please."

Kiyoshi threw himself into the bed as the door closed. He couldn't understand why he felt wronged. He had zero confidence in what he truly wanted. He couldn't image Keima's mom accepting that his son might have something that seems so much like a dishonorable status. Who would want to be someone's second? Is what he wanted a pipe dream? Would there be someone out there who would understand his desire to keep the people he loves close, even if that meant romantically?

Kiyoshi wanted to create a family of his own, but he also wanted to have a relationship with his current partner. Of course, that relationship would have to change but he wanted Keima to be part of his life. This wasn't a one-sided feeling. His partner supported his goal to be a parent since the beginning.

It took years for Keima's mom to accept their relationship. It would truly be too much to ask of her to accept her son being in a polycule. This issue shouldn't even be his damn business but he cares too much for people. Sometimes, he really hates this part of himself.